Dealing with Loneliness & Moving Off-Grid (On the Internet)
BLOG | A constant battle of wanting to socialize, and wanting to disappear
December 11th, 2022 (Sunday) | Tags: Vent, Depression
This weekend, I had to face a problem I've had to face several times before- having nobody to play with during an event on Splatoon 3.
It sounds like a very first-world problem, and it is! :wiggly: Why don't I just hop on a server and look for some randoms to play with? Maybe I could make a new friend, or I could find myself a group of people I could play with more often. Thing is, that's hard. At least for me.
I carry a lot of my self-worth on whether there's people out there who consider me enough to invite me to play or hang out with them. Several times already, I've felt the sting of being the person people chose as a last-resort option. I should be happy they do it at all, but I'm not. I'm not good enough to be considered in the first place, after all.
To make matters worse for myself, I went ahead and joined a room with people who were friends with someone who went out of their way to continuously bully me whenever they could. I wanted so badly to feel like I had friends who wanted me in. I left as soon as the round ended, not wanting to feel rejected by a room of leaving people, and waited again.
I joined the next room, someone who I had added but never got the chance to play with. I was hoping so badly they'd let me play with them. Just one game, right? If they didn't want me in, they'd let me know somehow. But they didn't do anything. Despite their room frequently moving, they didn't ready up or leave. I could feel the shame wash over me as the minutes went on, and I felt that, again, I was unwanted. I left and went to play a round of another game before despairing too much and finding myself in bed.
This sort of thing is too much for me. I'm too sensitive for this world. Course that spiraled into me wondering if I should call off the therapy or consider it more, with the former team winning that game. Decisions decisions. :sad:
Speaking on decisions, with my mental health furthering itself into the disposal, I've decided I wanted to rip myself off of the rest of the internet where I can. I no longer want a face for eyes to fall on. Except this website of course, but it's not like people could really leave a comment or see a history I left around. This is my environment- this is what I chose to do. Interacting with other people is too difficult a business. I'll shy away into this hole as far back as I can...
Still, I'm too social for my own good. I'll still talk to people. I'll still wonder if I'll ever find my own friends, my own group, if I'll ever be worth the attention and companionship of anybody else. Falling into fantasy's just fine, right? Sometimes, I disagree... but it's a lot more fun than having to live in this stark reality. HAHAHA
Content Output & Illness
BLOG | Because being sick SUCKS
December 6th, 2022 (Tuesday) | Tags: Covid, Vomit Mention, Vent, Positive
Yep. The first entry, I'm gonna be talking about being sick!! :sick: Which is what I've been for the past few days.
Since the pandemic started in March 2020 (at least, that's when I stopped going to college because of it), I'd never gotten sick. Now I am and it sucks. First few nights, felt like I was actually dying. Coughing til you gag isn't all that fun, especially when you try to vomit and nothing comes out...
So far in December, it's been three friends' birthdays. It's nice to be able to catch them... :happy: last year I did so well with birthdays, but this year has kinda been a bust. I hope they all had good days anyhow. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad that I can't make something nice for any of them.
Speaking on that, there's the content output situation. I'd like to be able to keep things going. I have a lot written down I wanna get to doing, but being sick makes me unable to (unless I ignore it, like I'm kinda doing now). :sad: I really wanna work on more and more and more... I'm used to that tempo in life. At least, for art but anything else. HAHAHA
I should make a better habit to remind myself of all the things I am able to accomplish, though. Today, I made a set of cute decome-sized pixels of my woomy!! In squid form ~ :wink: ~ I made them exclusively for my /home and /text pages ~ aren't I creative? Hehe! Maybe I'll make some more in the future, but so far, these work great. Yayyy!