Lately, I've been in a depressive slump. Starting with a feeling of sickness from the week prior, I missed a day of class. Next day, I did a few things... I think. Thursday, I go to class, come home, too tired and unmotivated to do anything. This lasts for several days. Played Big Run over the weekend, the only thing I can get myself to do. Monday, after a mid-day nap, I wake up with intense pain all across my chest.
I post a cry for help on Twitter in the early morning. It's frightening. My mom tells me it was just anxiety. Pain so powerful I couldn't help but gasp every time I moved. Couldn't take it anymore, so I called for an ambulance. I was shaking with fear at the experience, but I was at the ER for a few hours, and it turns out I'm healthy. That made me feel way better, even if the pain was still there for the rest of that Tuesday. :happy:
That whole time before I was told I was A-OK, I genuinely believed I was gonna die. Before I called for an ambulance, I was crying and asking for my grandmother and the virgin mary for help. I was desperately in need of anybody to help me. It's what motivated me the most to call 911.
On the way to the hospital on the ambulance, I thought of some things. I thought of how I wished I could have somebody who cared for me by my side. I was alone with only the driver and I'm assuming a second EMT, and while I did joke to myself about how they were my age and pretty cute, it felt inappropriate to hang onto that in my current situation. I had to hold myself together as I worried about what may occur when we got there.
I arrived... was tested on a machine... got to sit in the waiting room. There, I scrolled through Twitter, and as I looked through tweets of cute items and pretty art, thought about how if I were to die, I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of it anymore. I thought about the things I wished I had done, such as finishing any of my comics, printing my first doujin, creating more keychains, having those cards done... I felt a heavy sense of dread as I considered how empty and miserable my life had been. I didn't like going to school, felt no interest in working, had no ambition in life.
They call me in for a shot, I decline due to my intense fear of shots... then later I see the doctor. After changing into a smock, I'm hooked up to another machine. A different nurse comes in after the first one leaves, and she's incredibly kind. I explain my fear of needles and she's willing to help me get through it. When the time happens though it was still incredibly frightening and painful, but she never lost her patience. I'm incredibly grateful to her.
Later she gives me medicine for the pain, and she is swapped out with another nurse. This one leaves a button in case I needed anything, and I thought of how much I'd like to smack it, bite it, chew it like a wild animal. Just "ooh, shiny" things. Even later is the x-ray... very brief. I was feeling very sleepy by that time. Far off into the nether, I got the news- I'm okay! I get to go home all happy and dandy.
I get home and take a nap... wake up and feelin better. I had a new lease on life. I had the chance to do all those things I dreaded never doing. Life is good. :wink:
So I decide to check in a server, as I do, and see someone wanting advice on a design. So I gave them that! Then I was chastised by another user for giving unwanted critique, and the poster agreed with that user, and I had a total breakdown over it. I realized that nothing had changed. I had done something wrong, bad, and looked down upon. I looked like a bully. I stuck my neck out where it was unwanted and caught myself headless. I felt like I had done something so extremely bad, I was ashamed for saying anything at all, and I promptly left several servers.
The next day those terrible feelings followed. I laid in bed for hours, unable to do anything. I was bored of everything, felt no ambition or motivation, and wanted to sleep the day away. From feeling hope for a new chance, to going right back to my previous depression. I'm always told to socialize more, to meet new people, join more groups, to talk to others. Well, look at what that did. Nothing but misery.
So I'm back! Hi!! Here in my own personal oasis, I don't have to feel too bad for yammering on like this. Just me, myself and I! No pain, no torture, no dealing with other people! I don't have to worry about being hurt, about being snubbed, about feeling like an outcast! Can't be an outcast if it's just me! Yaaayyy!! :happy:
Every day I'm in pain. Every day. Nobody gives a fuck about how much pain I'm in. Here's a comprehensive list of all of my pain, for God to see.
Headaches: New and in-fashion. I slammed my head into the wall one morning, then slammed my head on the roof of a car the next month. From there I hear ringing in my ears louder than ever, pain on the sides and the back of my head, and my balance has gotten worse. I can't put on my shoes without immediately falling over. I've fallen twice and it hurt. The tinitus has become even worse. I can hear a sudden loud sound, like a flashbang from a video game, or a sudden pinch of noise that's made me worry that I've gone deaf. It hurts every day.
Neck: My neck has been degrading, starting with an instance of whiplash I had when I was 15. The nerves in my neck were irritated and never seemed to have gotten better. Now my neck becomes stiff and painful, even when I do my exercises.
Shoulders, Arms, Wrists, Hands: A full package made just for me from the advent of drawing all day because I had no social life as a teen. My shoulders become sore to the point of intense pain, my arms become painful and worse at the elbows. A new development, my fingers and knuckles have become to hurt too. I worry about arthritis but who cares?
Chest: Another new pain to the collection. I get sharp pains on the left side of my chest that prevent me from sleeping. Then it leaves a very tender spot. The entire area of my chest has begun to hurt. But who gives a fuck. Die already.
Stomach, Intestines, whatever: I can't eat a lot of varieties of foods anymore without being in intense pain. This is the aspect of my pain people give the least a fuck about. Sure, my nana died because of problems with her intestines, but who cares? Just buy more of that oily, greasy shit. More cheese! More chocolate! Yaaay! Until I start having constipation for days, nausea every morning, diarrhea, extreme pains. Still, who fucking cares? Die.
As you can see, here's a list of stuff that makes me a nuisance to everyone around me. Being in pain every day is a fun experience to make everyone around you feel bad about it all even though it's just something you live with. With every day I'm in pain, it grates on people's senses, until they stop giving a shit. You're right, I shouldn't talk to people about my pain anymore. I need to disappear so I don't subjugate anybody with my inability to eat food or my lack of strength.
The worst aspect of me? I'm a stupid bitch. I can't understand simple concepts. I'm stupid as fuck and nobody likes me because of it. Everyone leaves me because I can't learn anything, I don't know anything. That's why I have so few people to consider friends. I have nothing of value. Nobody likes to hear it, but I'm really, truly worthless. Every day I can look forward to being homeless, being tortured, being murdered, dying. I have no hope for a future. Today is temporary. The past is forever. I'll never escape it.
One of the hardest things to do in times like this, is stopping myself from self-harming. I don't cut. I slam my head into the wall. That way nobody knows. I still sometimes do, but only with my fist. It hurts then too. I can't help it.
The first week back is practically over, and it was difficult as you could image.
On Monday, I was totally prepared for what was gonna come on the next day. I did everything I needed to, but when I went to bed, all the bad things that haunted me when I last went came back. Those terrible intrusive thoughts, bodily pains, the works!
The next morning, I woke up with horrible nausea. I have stomach problems where if I wake up too early, I get pain in my intenstines, so I ended up not eating. It was raining hard today, and my mom was home, so she took me for my first day.
It was... okay. I felt sort of miffed how unserious the class felt, but I'm sure later down the road I'll really be put through the grinder. I don't have faith in my academic ability, so it's better I try hard now than later.
When I got home, I felt very tired, which sucked. I felt energetic enough to call my best friend however, which made everything feel better. While I wanted to work on stuff, I didn't do too much before conking out.
The next day was alright. Everything was fine and I managed to get some things done. I even checked on the class portal online and finished a task. I thought things would be up, til frustrations mounted and I became incredibly distressed. I cried the entire evening, late into the night. All that could give me comfort was thinking of my f/o. I don't think people really understand how hard it is to get back to going out into the world after years of being hidden away in my room.
The next day, Thursday, I woke up four hours early. I had set my alarm for three hours early, but I guess I wanted to wake up. I managed to have all that time to prepare to go, this time by bus, and get the materials I needed to buy. It was a decent morning despite the nausea. I was confused about which bus to take, however, but thanks to the bus announcer, I got on it.
Another day of class passed by... I still wished the professor would go more in-depth with content. She gave us a list of Japanese words to practice pronunciation with, but as she went through what they were, I had difficulty between wanting to write them down and wanting to pay attention. I don't like that at all. I was even picked on for not taking notes, when I had already taken them. Am I doing something wrong?
Coming home was the worst part. I didn't know which bus to take. I even missed it, so I went and got a Ramune to have something to relax with. The next bus came, and so I went on it. It stopped at a street I was familiar with, so I got off and walked ahead, thinking about how it had stopped pretty far from where I lived. That's when it started to creep on me, as I walked on and on, that nothing looked like what I know. On and on, even asking a boy if he knew where we were, and he didn't. On and on, I started cracking, trying to keep myself together, until I couldn't and went up to a woman and cried to her about how lost I was.
I ended up having to call my mom despite not wanting to (fearing she'd become angry with me), and the lady talked to her and told my mom where I was. I then walked to a nearby area and waited for her, going into the store when a homeless man started walking towards me. He stood outside the store while I waited indoors. My mom picked me up, but accidentally ran over one of those bumps in the parking lot, and I ended up banging my head against the roof of the car pretty hard. That still hurts today- it's even the second hard hit to my head this year (so far...?).
I had such an awful day yesterday. I think I felt exhausted by the experience, that I slept from around 7-8PM to 12PM the next day. I woke up time to time because of the pain in my head. I wish yesterday didn't happen. It makes it difficult to want to go back. I just want to stay home.... :sad:
Just as it says on the tin. After nearly 4 years of living as a shut-in, I'm going to go back out into the world. :woomy:
Technically, it would be 3 years and 9 months. I had separated myself from society due to the pandemic and the stay-at-home measurements. I stopped going to school around March 15, 2020, and while I had online classes, found myself unable to learn. So I stopped going, and from then began my life as a NEET. :sleeping:
It has been quite the time, living like this. Before everything, I had been going to therapy, and felt like my life was going to be on the up-and-up. :woomy: But because of what happened, time stopped. When I tried to go back to therapy a year later, the therapist I was connected with ridiculed my anxiety, and laughed at my symptoms. In a previous iteration of my website, actually, I spoke about this, and how much it had hurt me. I looked for help and instead was made fun of for being afraid of going outside and for having constant intrusive thoughts that prevented me from sleeping. Fuck you, you shit-ass therapist! I don't like to swear like that, but you must understand, that experience was so horrible, I didn't try to go back to therapy until I attempted a year later. :sad:
I went through a lot of friends over these past few years. Around April 2020, I joined a group of artist friends, and had a great time. I was dating somebody around then, so I didn't spend too much time there initially, but I had fun nonetheless. I think at the end of the year I was around more often, but I don't remember if it was that year or the next, but the group ended up splitting. So did my then-boyfriend and I. That time of the year is always awful, no matter what year you check.
I felt so alone, so often. It was just me and a few friends I would talk to on and off. I'm thankful for the friendships I managed to keep today. Especially my best friend. Were it not for him, I don't know how I'd have gotten through these past two years. To my friend Y, who I ended up bonding through our losses. I hope for him that happiness will prevail. The people I had known from the beginning were a mixed bag, but I ended up with people I felt I could be close to.
With the ups of having all the time in the world, the ability to do whatever I wanted, to watch and to read and to play as much as I wanted, came the downs of depression, loneliness, an endless space for terrible thoughts, and a breakdown of my body. I deteriorated over the years, stagnating, stuck in a moment long ago. Every night I dream of school, that I'm in school, that I'm just another child, tween, teen.
I don't know what to expect from this re-entrance into society. I don't know if I'll ever grow up, if I can ever take back lost time. I hope I don't become traumatized again. There's only so much stress I can take. :woomy:
Hello to yet another new year on this earth and on this site! :wink:
I think this year has the makings to be a lovely one. Firstly, fully made of positive numbers (disregarding the 0), which are composed of two half-round half-point, a full round, and a full point (with regards to the 0). Secondly, the year of the dragon, my zodiac. I'm hoping for good things considering my best friend saw his recent zodiac year bloom beautifully for him. I'm already off to a promising start since I'll be re-enrolling in college, after about four years from when I last went.
From that to recently keeping a planner, there's still so much I wanna get going for myself. When I do get back to college, I'll probably be seeing the physical therapist again after over a year of not seeing them. It's very difficult for me to exercise because of insecurities (along with being bullied for my physical inabilities), but I have to try. I have become overwhelmed by bodily pains, from my shoulder, to my neck, head, ears, and now my back. The pain has started to wake me up repeatedly at night. I can't lay down without pain, either. :sick:
Concerning the site... as with the aforementioned planner, I'll be dedicating Mondays to site upkeep. I'm putting this schedule so I can have something to do on the days that I want to get something done, rather than the usual bursts of activity with downtimes of me being unable to do anything. LOL! So today is the first Monday I'll be doing some updates on, here and there. I've uploaded all my 2023 art (sans traditional works, my god that page is still on the 2022 formatting) and will probably be doing continuous thumbnail updates as I have the time for it. Once I have them all done I'll be doing my months in review, and then ultimately getting on with 2024 gallery pages (with the assets that come with them). Whew!
This schedule also goes for my Chans fanpage, my video gaming stuff, and my personal area. I'll do what I can on the days I get the chance to work on it. I can't overdo it or I won't be able to get to it!! Yet, there's so much to be shared...
I hope to also have a Sitely page up soon. I've been thinking of making an e-mail for this website in the case anybody wants to get in touch. I'll have it up on that page, whenever it happens. Again, so many ideas I've been incubating. It's just a matter of wanting to do it, having the energy, and not feeling like I'm physically dying every second. HAHAHA. I'll be alright. I swear!! :wiggly: