BLOG | Same old feeling

March 8th, 2023 (Wednesday) | Tags: Sitely, Depression, Positive

Woo... another month passing. We're onto month three of twelve now! Wow!! How time flies. If only things were as easy as that.

I'm happy to say however that I've managed to get on with updating the site in meaningful ways. The Chanpedia is looking right spiffy at the moment (don't mind the leftover construction still looking to be done), and I was able to complete uploads for my 2021 gallery!! Yayyy!! Now I've been working towards streamlining the gallery index and uploads even further with a shiny new look and format. How about that.

I've mentioned it here before, but recently the second Big Run occured. It went pretty well, although, my friend did get upset at me for ranking up so high. I'm sorry for it. I know what being frustrated is like, and it's a bad feeling. He felt way better the next day though and we had a good time. I guess next time, I should do a grouch check on him. I don't want my friends to feel upset because of me.

Suffice to say... I did get gold, hehehehehehehe I'm so proud of myself!! Though I was also quite lucky. Thanks so much to the players that got me there Yayyyy!!!

Back to site updates... I hope once I get the galleries wrapped up to the present, I can work on my games pages again. There's so much Splatoon content I want to share, but I prefer to stay organized and get things done one at a time (or when I feel like I can get to them). There's a lot of art I still need to do for the Chans pages as well, so that'll be my next stop after the art. I do however wanna spruce up my dream archive and religion pages. I have a lot of dreams I still need to upload there (SO MANYYY) and some religion-related stuff I'd like to have typed up. There's so much happening all the time, if I weren't depressed I'd have way more done by now, hahaha!!

I guess that's where we are... I wish I could draw more often. Working on my site is taking up that time, but at least I'm doing something, right? I know my best friend would agree with that sentiment. He's always trying to get me to do stuff, which, I'm really grateful for. He never has to do anything for me, but he does. It honestly makes me feel pretty sad that my mental health just doesn't improve. I'd want to do it for him. But I'm so scared of being burnt again, I don't know if I can deal with another failure. Maybe one day...

Here's hoping I get wayyy more stuff accomplished this month. My physical health has been shaky again now that I've been using my computer more again, but I can try to deal with it with some advil. I have to get this stuff done. I want to. Somewhere where I can prove I exist. My place on the web. Haha!!

Oh yes, before I forget... some more nice things. My friend T and R haved spoken to me on their own. It's really nice of them to. My friend M asked me if I wanted to play with him, which was extra nice. I feel happy when my friends want to play with me. Especially friends I look up to. Maybe one day I can be as good at the game as they are. My others friends also wanted to play with me. How did this happen...?

It was A's birthday the other day and I managed to draw something for her. I'm really happy I was able to. I wish I could make drawings for all my friends, but things happen and I can't even think about it. My friend T's birthday is soon. Maybe I should draw something for him, if I can. I think it's funny his birthday is on the tenth... Mario day... he's really good at games. Super-human!! Woah!! With super-human kindness!!! Woahhh!!! Hahahaha!!!

I should feel happy more often. It feels okay. Nice. Something like that. I really should get to bed, now...

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Circling the Drain

BLOG | Thoughts into the aether

February 6th, 2023 (Monday) | Tags: Depression

A month has passed, now, since the start of the year. My depression lifted itself a bit, but then of course inevitable things showed itself and my brain isn't working as properly as I wished it would. Nevertheless I'm quite happy to say that I haven't been struggling, stuck under the covers of my bed, as often as of late. A personal victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Something I wanted to write about, were my thoughts on the internet. It troubles me, the internet. I have been on it for a really long time, and with it (being a kid with no idea or prospect for what the future held for most of it) left some blunders on the way. I am mostly removed from these flaws from my adolescence, but something that cannot be ignored is this- if it's on the internet, people won't forget... and people can come across it once more.

A 'friend' of mine has an affinity for digging into the details of people, for looking and clicking and searching. I know he found it quite exciting when he found the personal information of several people, people whom had regarded him as a friend, had done nothing to him. Eventually, this talent of his led to his finding details of my internet past- and while it's stuff that shouldn't bother me now, it bothered me, then, and still.

What he did after is what really bothers me. So he knew- so what? He was my friend, he should understand why I acted out like I did, especially as a teenager. But no- for some insidious reason, he chose to utilize these details to hurt me. Continuously.

I don't understand it... he has bullied me for over a year, bringing the details up when he could, shoving them into conversation as if it was something so casual to speak of. I've told him it bothered me, though it seems like he wants to keep at it- always asking me what I'm doing, where online I've been, asking details and details. It's now that I really wish to hide myself from the internet. If I am to be treated this way, by a close friend, well, that's okay.

I mostly say "that's okay" to make myself feel better, but, I really do crave the social aspect of social media. I really miss being able to connect with other people, seeing other people online, interacting with others. It seems however that I don't deserve to enjoy things such as that, and maybe I really don't. So I hide away on a private account with only a few friends to see it, leaving most other traces of me empty.

Maybe one day I can hope to "disappear" from the eyes of people like my 'friend'. Maybe one day I'll be able to enjoy social media without worrying so much about what people on the internet say about me. I mean, I used to! Back when I didn't have failing mental health. HAHAHA. Everyone and their dog is the same these days... a statement likened to a drop in the ocean.

Of course, I wish to add, for my own sanity and moral being... what I did as a teenager, I don't think I should be forgiven for. A lot of these days, I believe the continuous pain and emptiness I feel was wrought by my own hand. The endless, killing anxiety, the heavy, mountainous depression, the lack of fulfillment in my life. I deserve all these things. I am nothing, worth nothing. I will continue to live this way in the hopes I may be forgiven for what I did as a reckless, powerless teenager.

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Happy New Year & Mid-Month(-ish) Update

BLOG | Wallowing in Depression

January 20th, 2023 (Friday) | Tags: Depression

The new year is here. Happy 2023 to all my friends, mutuals, and all else to hear it.

I haven't been working on my website for a while for a few reasons. At least, as I type this, I believe there are a few.

For one- depression. This season is not the finest for me. Lots of bad memories, feelings, and other such things. I have been stuck in my bed for nearly over two weeks now, unable to really do much of anything (well, til now).

Another thing, at least something that had happened much earlier, was that my tablet pen had died! So I couldn't draw anything for my pages. Now, there are plenty of things I can do without it. But I am the type who enjoys working on multiple things altogether, and when it's multiple it ought to be different things (you know, to keep it interesting).

Finally (does this constitute as several things now, then?) along with the depression, I can't really focus on much lately. Discordant thoughts, spirals, swings. I've been keeping a journal to note the things that I do (or happen) in a day, and so far as of writing this I've only had about 3 'decent' days and 1 'good' day. This rivals against my 3 'terrible' and 1 'worst' days, with plenty of frowns and unsure expressions throughout.

The new year isn't looking very brightly, as I had hoped. No, it's been entrenched even more deeply in the problems I had expected to see less of. It's a difficult thing to want to accept. I just hope I'm not so aware if things get any worse- I could do with sleeping away into fantasy...

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