Reading the last thing I had written here, I could understand a cause for concern if you had read it all that time ago.
I disappeared from here for much longer than I would have liked. There's still a lot of updating and fixing up I want to do! But I didn't want to come back without an explanation. Not for anybody in particular, but as another log into my life- and what has happened.
My grandmother has been in poor health for several years now. Maybe three or four. She always complained of stomach pain, and she had difficulty going to the restroom. Everyone thought she was just getting older, her organs wouldn't be fuctioning as well as they could because of that, and of course the doctor recommended she use hygienic items to help live her day to day life. My grandmother did not accept this, could not accept it. So as she had told me one night, she went doctor shopping. They each insisted that she was just getting older, that her health wasn't as good as in her youth.
I wish I had known better then. She certainly did.
My grandmother was not one who believed that medicine could CURE every ailment. She staunchly believed in therapy, in willpower. She also could tell the difference from medication that helped live your life and medication that was not meant to be used for life. So you could understand my disbelief when on one late afternoon, I walked into her room and she held out a handful of pills. Too many pills. I didn't understand if it was normal, if this was just something the elderly became accustomed to. But I still continue to think of that handful of pills today. Especially after I had heard what her liver had become.
These are the things I constantly think about. This was the first time anybody in my immediate family had died. My grandmother went in for surgery, and we were hopeful she'd be saved. It was too late. How, after numerous visits to doctors and professionals, is a hole in the intestine not found? A hole so big she lived every day in pain, her insides continuously blocked, with numerous nights spent crying, wanting it to stop? I feel like I am in part responsible for the pain she felt in her twilight years. Had I cared more, had I tried more, she may have been able to live a little longer. She may have been happier.
It sucks. Had I not been depressed, withdrawn, felt like an outcast and a problem, I could have spent all the time I wish I could have spent with her. Every day I vented about wanting to be with her, but feeling so much less than human, too disgusting and ugly to be in her prescence, I wasted them. I wish I could have been with her more. I loved my grandmother very much and considered her someone I could depend on. On this, I wish my mother never told me not to worry my grandmother, not to bother her, not to be a nuisance. I only became more withdrawn. Imagine the time I could have spent with my grandmother's wisdom and reassurance... I may never meet another woman like her, or someone in her role like her, again in my life.
The months afterwards, I have been struggling very much to feel a sense of normalcy. When the vultures came to roost, their crowing kept me awake, and I found myself unable to sleep well at night. My pain exacerbated the situation, and I had a panic attack. I tried to distract myself with the holidays only to end up with disappointment. I suppose this is the experience of everyone else who has had someone they love die. I wish it never happened like this.
Now I continue to struggle to draw. My muscle pain has worsened to the point playing video games and using my phone make me unable to do anything afterwards. I end up laying in bed for hours at a time. I have difficulty making myself do the things I have to do. I don't feel happy. But I'm still here, and I'm still trying. I'm still able to talk to my best friend every day, and I can still draw. I can listen to the music I like and I can watch the videos I find funny. But is it really the same?
As the subheader states- I should be sleeping.
But I can't. I can't, because I've had the impulse to write something for my blog. So, here I am.
Earlier this morning (very much earlier, considering it's a few minutes past 6AM now), I was scrolling through fellow websites on the platform this very site is hosted on, Neocities. I was looking for anything to inspire me, anything to indulge some reading into. I saw then, an update where somebody discussed their relationship with art. It interested me.
I think it was also there they talked about their history with art. Someone who loved drawing their own characters as a youth, becoming serious within their teens, then... becoming hired into a job with their artwork. Great. Good for them.
Same record, over and over again.
At this point in my writing here, it has nothing to do with this person. I don't know them. I don't know their life or their ambitions. What they do, it is of no consequence to me. But it always struck something disheartening in me. There are never any success stories when it comes to people like me. Because people like me can never do anything like that. People like me, who have been struck down all their lives, torn apart, sick in bed for days, unable to study, unable to do anything of value to even help themselves, never see the light of success.
This is something that has always bothered me. Whenever I read a success story, the situation is the same or similar. They had the support. They had the privilege. They had the drive, the ambition, the ability. Now, it can be thought- okay? So what? These are the necessary ingredients to success. To getting and doing the things you want. Why are you complaining? Not everybody can be a winner.
I don't know. Maybe I wished, that there was somebody like me, who succeeded. Who found what they were looking for. Somebody to aspire to. To know that, despite all the horrible stuff that has happened in my life, that I can still succeed.
But I'll never see a person like me in that light. People like me, were meant to be stepped on. I was never meant to be anybody more. Every time I have this revelation, it feels like a very difficult truth to swallow. Every time I remember that I'm a nothing-nobody who will never succeed, who will never contribute, who will never create anything of substance for this world I take space in, it feels like I'm taking the largest, most difficult pill of my life.
And then I move on.
This year so far has been spotted with difficult moments. Moments of mental distress. Days where I wanted nothing but for the pain to stop. Obsessing over the worst, fictional or otherwise, remembering the worst, always within reality. Spirals and phases of self-harming behavior, pains in my body, hatred of it, paranoia, unable to get out of this pit of despair. Swinging around back and forth constantly, unable to control myself. Days spent talking to myself, lonely, upset, tired of living like this.
I don't think I'll know anything else at this point. I wish, when I plummet to this horrible emotional state, that I could remember the good times, that I knew that I was better. That nothing was a lie, that everything was meaningful and true. But when I'm down there, everything looks so fake. Everyone leaves. Everything disappears. I'm all alone, suffering, with nobody to help me.
And then I move on.
It's been a while. Nearly two months-while. After my websitely update streak, I went ahead and did something else for a bit, totally not avoiding doing some boring updates that I need to do to progress on some of my other pages (teehee). At least I was doing stuff out there still, right?! :wiggly:
Going back and checking through my files (I totally didn't forget what I did in April), I was workin' on all those Splatoon stamps. I remember uploading them and seeing the drop shadows and thinking, "Woah, that's kinda dark?!", and now when I get back to S1 stamp making I'll have to work on fixing alllll those drop shadows. Oh jeez. One at a time I suppose! Was making quite good headway with them, too.... :woomy:
After setting up my Splatoon page, I decided to make some headway on my art pages once more. I wrote up some stuff for my art blog on the months of art I've done up to that point (monthly summaries, I suppose), and I have to say it all came out real nicely! I did get stuck on the flex boxes, but once I figured it out it was smooth sailing from there. I then went ahead and tackled my character storage, in that attempt to move away from the environment of Toyhouse. I was making quite a bit of progress too (even made some cute little badges for easy stat review), until I realized I had to make the most dreaded of updates (and that's how I ended up shying away from further updates, hahaha). I'll definitely be back some time... I just needed some fresh scenery.
I ended up making a few adopts, something I haven't done since January. Colorful dogs... it ended up with me making designs on oekaki. They were quite popular!! :wiggly: It made me feel pretty nice seeing people wanting them so much. I hope I can make more in the future ~ I just have other things I really should be tending to... but haven't been able to, for one reason or another. Mostly just my inability to focus on anything for long unless I totally obsess over it.
I revisited Hershi... again. He's always sitting there in one of the compartments of my brain just waiting to see the light of day again. I gave it to him, but he had strayed farther from his original happy-go-lucky self. Clad in a loose overlarge shirt with a head of flattened hair, I don't really want to know what sort of insight he's giving this time. Much more obvious than the last I'm sure.
Towards the end of April, I was back at it... with my UMA! Finally able to log into my account on desktop, I managed to upload everything I needed (and even made some fresh, new things too!) and had that going and done with. People seemed to really like what I made, and I ended up continuing to expand on it for the rest of the month, including finally making a co-op archive for people to track their stuff and a marketplace (because customization is fun, ok?!). With some sweet new pixels and NPCs along for the ride, everything is looking quite nice... for now. :happy:
I still have a lot to work on regarding it (such as making those trades and customs threads), but I can safely say I'm quite peachy. It's advertised as being relaxed, so I do hope people aren't too bothered by how slow things are at the moment. I'm just one person, after all.
Going into May, I started off not feeling all that well... but I can always rely on Rabies-Chan. While I'm not usually obsessively pining over her (as often as I used to, at least) she's still a major source of comfort on those off days. Rabies-Chan is someone who will always be there, who will always listen, who will always be open to that physical contact I sometimes really need. It's nice to have someone in my life that can do all that, for me.
I continued work on my UMA with the theme I set for myself- May Flowers!! Cute kitties with tails sprouting a lovely blossom on their ends, I have to wonder how people like them. I mean, it's enough for several pages of entries, which has me feeling really flattered. I hope people actually enjoy their adopts... I've seen them in forum signatures already and I kinda don't know what to feel. In a very neutral way. I suppose I just don't believe I can make anything so worthy. :woomy:
With that came along the discord, of which, probably needs a lot more work put into it. I'm very tech-illiterate, so it's bare-bones at the moment. But it's there, and even if it seems a formidable kind of thing, I do hope it can be of use. HAHAHA.
Something rather exciting happened recently. After many long years of watching from afar, wondering, daydreaming, I finally got it... a Chimereon MYO. In all honesty, I'm not exactly jumping for joy over it. But I know a younger me would have felt overjoyed at being able to touch what feels like the upper echelons of the character/adopt community. Beautiful designs, skilled artists, a sense of community... to be surrounded by all these things, to feel like I'm a part of it, is an immense privilege I could only have hoped to take a peek of. After my soured experience with Coelunes (which totally felt like a money-hungry money pit of doom), I really, really want this dream-turned-reality to stay soft and fluffy, even if there may be some hidden faults within it.
Lots of talk over art. I suppose concerning the rest of what I've been up to, well, I had diarrhea for a week, and then didn't have any gas tablets for another week. :sick: I got a comic magazine at Kinokuniya about cat-related manga called Cat Punch (Neko Panchi), and it inspired me to try to learn Japanese again. I've been really struggling with it because I have difficulty learning, well, just about anything, so I've only learned half my hiragana in the span of... three weeks. LOL. While I feel like I can excuse myself for what happened (I felt so sick I could hardly sit at my desk or focus), I still feel like it's totally my own fault for being unable to learn something that's supposed to be the easiest part of learning the language. :sad:
I suppose that's something I can talk about. That. I remember being a middle school weeaboo and wanting so much to try to learn and understand Japanese (despite being made fun of by my family for it). High school happened, and being ashamed for what I liked, I took French for two years instead of Japanese (which, by the way, was a horrendous experience; the whole romantic language shit is NOT about ROMANCE). I think I should have done it. It would have helped me immensely, or at least, helped me get a head start. Learning on your own is supposedly easy- I might be too dumb or mentally disabled to do so. The honest truth hurts!
I think... I will spend some time thinking about my Chimereon for a bit. I want to think about Chans a lot more often, too. I want to be surrounded by things that make me feel happy and safe... I'm feeling alright. A little messed up schedule, but a good bestie and a comfortable bed are two things I can always depend on. HAHAHA
Hey, would you look at that... new /text images. Pretty cute, huh? :wink:
I've been working on my site a LOT. Nearly every day I'm trying to update or make something new. It's pretty satisfying. Makes me happy to have something to work on. I mean, the progress may never end, so I might as well take what I can get in terms of energy and mood. Maybe one day I'll even be brave enough to put it somewhere really public, eh?! :wiggly:
I still can't believe I managed to get through all those gallery uploads. 380 Chans images to crop and reupload nearly killed me, March's gallery especially. It was a good time for me, then... I was really getting into drawing in MSPaint, I had ideas nearly every day, I had so much fun thinking and talking about Chans. I wish it never ended, but if it didn't, then I'd really have a haul set to kill, HAHAHA. Maybe one day I can get the spark (or most importantly, energy) to draw little Chanlets so often again. Love those girls.
Onwards to... my character storage, maybe?! I'd really love a place to put them, away from toyhouse... it's not a bad website, but, the culture there isn't something I want to be around in all the time. Characters as trading cards is a pretty neat concept, especially as a seller, but as someone who made characters as a kid to put them in stories, it kinda stifles the latter a bit. All I ever see are people who either hoard art or hoard expensive characters. It's not a good feeling, personally. I value my original characters less than characters I've bought as an effect. I like them less, think of them less, and hate them more. All because they had no value in their creation. That's bad. :sad:
At the moment however, I'm looking to finish uploading to my dream archive and to redo my religion page. :woomy: I spent some time today writing out some stuff for the latter. I feel it's very important I dedicate some space on my site to it, because I just know some people are not gonna be so keen to look my way again afterwards. Seen way too many people with beliefs that make me uncomfortable around- I'd rather we have a mutual respect and silence and go our seperate ways.
Alas, who knows where inspiration will take me. I have my entire character storage page drawn out and planned already. If typing up all these dreams become nauseating, I might go for it. I think people who like my stuff may even appreciate getting to see what sorta characters I jive with. I think... LOL. Who am I to assume these things... but it's nice to imagine that!! Hahaha!!
Ah, and yet another reason for it... I talked to a friend today about that other friend who was really making me feel like squit. They spoke with some really good reason, and I think I will take what I can get and just stay silent. Hide my characters on toyhouse, migrate them here. Just some I can't completely move off because of their designers wanting them visible, but I don't mind. I like my privacy when I can get it.
Woo... another month passing. We're onto month three of twelve now! Wow!! How time flies. If only things were as easy as that.
I'm happy to say however that I've managed to get on with updating the site in meaningful ways. The Chanpedia is looking right spiffy at the moment (don't mind the leftover construction still looking to be done), and I was able to complete uploads for my 2021 gallery!! Yayyy!! :wink: Now I've been working towards streamlining the gallery index and uploads even further with a shiny new look and format. How about that.
I've mentioned it here before, but recently the second Big Run occured. It went pretty well, although, my friend did get upset at me for ranking up so high. I'm sorry for it. I know what being frustrated is like, and it's a bad feeling. He felt way better the next day though and we had a good time. I guess next time, I should do a grouch check on him. I don't want my friends to feel upset because of me.
Suffice to say... I did get gold, hehehehehehehe :wink: I'm so proud of myself!! Though I was also quite lucky. Thanks so much to the players that got me there :happy: Yayyyy!!!
Back to site updates... I hope once I get the galleries wrapped up to the present, I can work on my games pages again. There's so much Splatoon content I want to share, but I prefer to stay organized and get things done one at a time (or when I feel like I can get to them). There's a lot of art I still need to do for the Chans pages as well, so that'll be my next stop after the art. I do however wanna spruce up my dream archive and religion pages. I have a lot of dreams I still need to upload there (SO MANYYY) and some religion-related stuff I'd like to have typed up. There's so much happening all the time, if I weren't depressed I'd have way more done by now, hahaha!!
I guess that's where we are... I wish I could draw more often. Working on my site is taking up that time, but at least I'm doing something, right? I know my best friend would agree with that sentiment. He's always trying to get me to do stuff, which, I'm really grateful for. He never has to do anything for me, but he does. It honestly makes me feel pretty sad that my mental health just doesn't improve. I'd want to do it for him. But I'm so scared of being burnt again, I don't know if I can deal with another failure. Maybe one day...
Here's hoping I get wayyy more stuff accomplished this month. My physical health has been shaky again now that I've been using my computer more again, but I can try to deal with it with some advil. I have to get this stuff done. I want to. Somewhere where I can prove I exist. My place on the web. Haha!!
Oh yes, before I forget... some more nice things. My friend T and R haved spoken to me on their own. It's really nice of them to. My friend M asked me if I wanted to play with him, which was extra nice. I feel happy when my friends want to play with me. Especially friends I look up to. Maybe one day I can be as good at the game as they are. My others friends also wanted to play with me. How did this happen...?
It was A's birthday the other day and I managed to draw something for her. I'm really happy I was able to. I wish I could make drawings for all my friends, but things happen and I can't even think about it. My friend T's birthday is soon. Maybe I should draw something for him, if I can. I think it's funny his birthday is on the tenth... Mario day... he's really good at games. Super-human!! Woah!! With super-human kindness!!! Woahhh!!! Hahahaha!!! :wink:
I should feel happy more often. It feels okay. Nice. Something like that. I really should get to bed, now... :sleeping:
A month has passed, now, since the start of the year. My depression lifted itself a bit, but then of course inevitable things showed itself and my brain isn't working as properly as I wished it would. Nevertheless I'm quite happy to say that I haven't been struggling, stuck under the covers of my bed, as often as of late. A personal victory, but a victory nonetheless. :wink:
Something I wanted to write about, were my thoughts on the internet. It troubles me, the internet. I have been on it for a really long time, and with it (being a kid with no idea or prospect for what the future held for most of it) left some blunders on the way. :sad: I am mostly removed from these flaws from my adolescence, but something that cannot be ignored is this- if it's on the internet, people won't forget... and people can come across it once more.
A 'friend' of mine has an affinity for digging into the details of people, for looking and clicking and searching. I know he found it quite exciting when he found the personal information of several people, people whom had regarded him as a friend, had done nothing to him. Eventually, this talent of his led to his finding details of my internet past- and while it's stuff that shouldn't bother me now, it bothered me, then, and still.
What he did after is what really bothers me. So he knew- so what? He was my friend, he should understand why I acted out like I did, especially as a teenager. But no- for some insidious reason, he chose to utilize these details to hurt me. Continuously. :mad:
I don't understand it... he has bullied me for over a year, bringing the details up when he could, shoving them into conversation as if it was something so casual to speak of. I've told him it bothered me, though it seems like he wants to keep at it- always asking me what I'm doing, where online I've been, asking details and details. It's now that I really wish to hide myself from the internet. If I am to be treated this way, by a close friend, well, that's okay.
I mostly say "that's okay" to make myself feel better, but, I really do crave the social aspect of social media. I really miss being able to connect with other people, seeing other people online, interacting with others. It seems however that I don't deserve to enjoy things such as that, and maybe I really don't. So I hide away on a private account with only a few friends to see it, leaving most other traces of me empty.
Maybe one day I can hope to "disappear" from the eyes of people like my 'friend'. Maybe one day I'll be able to enjoy social media without worrying so much about what people on the internet say about me. I mean, I used to! Back when I didn't have failing mental health. HAHAHA. Everyone and their dog is the same these days... a statement likened to a drop in the ocean.
Of course, I wish to add, for my own sanity and moral being... what I did as a teenager, I don't think I should be forgiven for. A lot of these days, I believe the continuous pain and emptiness I feel was wrought by my own hand. The endless, killing anxiety, the heavy, mountainous depression, the lack of fulfillment in my life. I deserve all these things. I am nothing, worth nothing. I will continue to live this way in the hopes I may be forgiven for what I did as a reckless, powerless teenager.
The new year is here. Happy 2023 to all my friends, mutuals, and all else to hear it. :wink:
I haven't been working on my website for a while for a few reasons. At least, as I type this, I believe there are a few.
For one- depression. This season is not the finest for me. Lots of bad memories, feelings, and other such things. I have been stuck in my bed for nearly over two weeks now, unable to really do much of anything (well, til now). :sick:
Another thing, at least something that had happened much earlier, was that my tablet pen had died! :sad: So I couldn't draw anything for my pages. Now, there are plenty of things I can do without it. But I am the type who enjoys working on multiple things altogether, and when it's multiple it ought to be different things (you know, to keep it interesting).
Finally (does this constitute as several things now, then?) along with the depression, I can't really focus on much lately. :sick: Discordant thoughts, spirals, swings. I've been keeping a journal to note the things that I do (or happen) in a day, and so far as of writing this I've only had about 3 'decent' days and 1 'good' day. This rivals against my 3 'terrible' and 1 'worst' days, with plenty of frowns and unsure expressions throughout. :sad:
The new year isn't looking very brightly, as I had hoped. No, it's been entrenched even more deeply in the problems I had expected to see less of. It's a difficult thing to want to accept. I just hope I'm not so aware if things get any worse- I could do with sleeping away into fantasy... :sad: